Dear E —
I’ve realized something about myself recently that makes me ashamed. It isn’t nice or fair to you, and I want to tell you something, but I want to explain it as clearly as I can, which is difficult. I swear that it in no way diminishes me friendship with you, or the fact that I trust you. I know you understand me more than most ever could how I feel and how hard things are, and I would probably share these things with you regardless. And this is not in any way a reflection on you, but only on my own secretive preserve nature, but:
I realize that in the back of my head one of the reasons (but not the only reason, I swear) I’ve been so open and honest with you about my depression and despair is that you don’t know any of my other friends or family, and so there was never any risk to me that if I said something that really worried you that would be able to tell anyone else about it. And that is completely not fair to you, I know. Not fair for so many reasons because it implies that I wouldn’t have trusted you not tell others even if you did know my other friends. But also because if I did say something that really genuinely worried you, you wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, and I know how horrifying and heartbreaking that feeling is, and I don’t meant to put that potential fear on you but there it is anyway.
And I’m saying all of this right now because I wanted to tell you something I can’t tell anyone else for exactly these reasons, which makes it even worse. And it’s such a horrible thing to do to a friend, and I’m so sorry. Because I’ve started cutting again and I don’t know why I should want to tell you this, because it’s the kind of thing I keep staunchly secret except that telling you is still pretty much keeping it secret, and see! That’s a horrible thing to think. And I’m sorry. I’m turning you into this repository for things I know I shouldn’t say or do because I know you can’t do anything about it. Because here’s the thing. I don’t want you to stop me, or tell someone else so they can stop me, because damn it, this is mine.