Last-Minute Reprieve

As my life continues to spiral out of control, I am scrabbling for every tiny bit of good to keep me above water. Thankfully, I’ve had two last-minute reprieves yesterday and today. Nothing that will fix the biggest problems, but things that will keep things stable for tiny bit longer.

First of all, I had been panicking about my inability to pay my tuition this semester. I was considering taking a leave of absence, I was number-crunching, but mostly I was staring at my student account with blank, frozen terror. Then, yesterday, just hour before tuition payments were due, I was approved for a small grant and a small private student loan. Just enough to cover the tuition. And felt myself releasing a breath I had been holding for days.

Second, as I think I’ve mentioned, due to severe financial problems, my landlord is kicking my mother and me out. We have been scrambling to pack and find a new place to live, worrying that no one will approve us for a lease. We were expected to be out of the house by Sept 1st. But today the landlord caved in and agreed to let us stay another month. Another month to try and find something. Another month to pack without feeling like I would have to throw things in the back of a truck. Another month for my mother to hopefully find a new job and for my first adjuncting paycheck to hit. Another month to breathe.

I am thankful. And I am trying my best to hold onto these small good things. And yet, my brain cannot help be immediately remember that this does not fix anything in the long run. I am still broke. My mother is still unemployed. We still can’t find a new place that will approve us for a lease with our bad credit. I am still depressed as shit, and just barely resisting the urge to drop out of my PhD program, and go into hiding. Or do something even more drastic.

So I’m going to sit here, and try to hold onto this momentary reprieve, and remind myself to breathe.

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