As you could probably tell from my posts (particularly this past week), I’m really not feeling well. Physically or emotionally. I feel like I’m losing the war right now, and everything in my life is under siege. I have absolutely no sense of the “point” of anything right now. I would really prefer to just curl up and die, or walk into traffic. I fear the only thing keeping me around right now is a sense of obligation: to my friends, and to my mother, who would probably die herself without me. And obligation is exhausting, draining, crushing. It is not a good enough motivation or justification for life in the long run.
I’m trying. But it’s not going well.
So. I am trying to rally my forces. I am seeing the doctor on Tuesday. I’ve emailed my two best friends, who live seemingly light-years away and sadly cannot come sit with me and keep me grounded, but who can at least offer a few words of encouragement. I’m focusing on my students, in the hopes that they can provide that sense of fulfillment I have lost. And on the blog this week I’m going to try my damnedest to focus on good things, things that make me happy (or used to when I was still capable of the emotion).
I must fight the impulse to dwell, to wallow, to close my eyes and allow myself to sink. I’m not entirely sure why I must, these days, but I will do my best.