I’m feeling better. Which is great, a miraculous event, in fact. But now two of my friends are getting worse practically at an inverse relationship to my improvement. One of my dearest friends, who I call E- here, and the woman I kind-of-sort-of-love, are both deteroriating. E- has barely spoken or left her house in the last couple weeks. The woman I kind-of-sort-of-love is considering returning to in-patient care again. It hasn’t even been quite two years since her last stint in clinic.
And suddenly I feel horribly guilty for being better. Like there is some kind of balancing act between us that I have somehow overturned.
And I know. I KNOW it doesn’t work like that. I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I know they wouldn’t want me to feel guilty, and they are glad I’m doing better. I know all this. But still. I cannot seem to chase away the feeling.
I just want them to be ok.