Signs of Feeling Better


I tend to know the signs that mean I’m starting to get better again.

I’ve woken up several mornings at 7:45am without an alarm and without the imperative of NEEDING to be awake.

I’ve been wearing my nicer clothes and heels more often again.

I painted my nails last night for the first time in months.

And I’m spending money. Lots and lots of money.

My “ooh! I need it!” mentality comes out most when I’m feeling better, which is great because I’M FEELING BETTER, but it’s a big problem for my already strained budget. I wouldn’t say my spending habits are quite serious enough to be considered a sign of a manic phase (I’ve always been very one-sided depressive, not bipolar), but it is enough of a problem that I have had to fight to keep it under control.

Between Thursday and Sunday this past week, I spent $500 on things I DID NOT NEED and probably should not have bought. Part of me feels guilty. But frankly, part of me really DOESN’T. I feel that I deserve some nice things for having survived the last nine months of stress, physical and emotional pain, being broke, my mother losing her job, and frantic and difficult move, and being suicidal since June. So, you know what, on second thought: No, I do not feel guilty.

So there.


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